Tag: beliefs

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Course Episodes Inner Terrain Markers Practices

What You Notice

What You Notice

Gently recognizing the terrain you’ve inherited

Before anything can grow, we have to see what’s already there. The inner garden many of us tend isn’t just ours. It’s shaped by family patterns, cultural scripts, painful experiences, and unspoken rules. Most of this terrain forms long before we know how to name it. But once we begin to notice, we gain the power to choose what to keep, what to compost, and what to plant with care.

This is about noticing the current reality—what’s truly happening now—not the world we wish existed, or the one we think others should create for us. Even when society, culture, or the people around us don’t seem to be changing, we can begin the work of tending our own ground. Instead of waiting for external systems to shift, we start with what’s already growing inside us. That’s where real change takes root.

What You Repeat

You may find yourself thinking the same thought, again and again. These are auto-thoughts—quick, sharp, and often harsh. They don’t ask permission. They sound like:

What’s wrong with me?
I’m being lied to!
Things are good now, but the other shoe will drop.
No one really wants me around.
I said too much.

They crop up without effort. You didn’t choose them—they were given to you, planted by repeated experience.

One person I’ve worked with remembered feeling unsafe when they were lighthearted. A parent would shut down or criticize their joy. As an adult, they found themselves tensing when laughing too freely, as if joy itself were risky. The moment didn’t come with clear words—more often, it arrived as a sudden jolt of anxiety or the sense of being watched or judged. The body remembered before the mind did.

Another noticed how a simple moment—a cold glance from a cashier—could reopen the old wound of helplessness. Their thought: “I’m in danger.” It wasn’t rational, but it was familiar.

What You Believe

Beneath every repeating thought is a belief: a quiet rule about how the world works. Helplessness means I’m broken. People are dishonest—I’ll always be let down. All joy comes at a cost. I’m unlovable. To stay safe, I must tone myself down. 

These beliefs often go unquestioned. They’re old. And they create consequences—especially when we don’t notice or challenge them.

What You Feel

When thoughts and beliefs go unexamined, they shape the emotional climate of our lives. You might feel wary, lonely, shut down, or small. You might feel frustrated and confused—longing to connect, but unable to risk vulnerability. These emotional markers are not flaws. They’re signals. They tell you where your garden needs tending.

In one case, a person noticed that sadness and powerlessness would surge whenever they saw friends making plans without them. The feeling wasn’t just loneliness—it was shame. A sense that they were fundamentally unlikeable or unworthy of connection. As they looked closer, they began to see that this emotion was tied to an old belief: I’m not someone people want to be close to. That belief had taken root early, and silence had become a way to cope. But now, that same silence was feeding the belief and reinforcing the isolation it was meant to avoid.

What You Absorbed

Much of what we carry wasn’t said outright. It was shown. Implied. Lived. Some grew up in households where appearances mattered more than truth. Or where emotional honesty was shut down—or met with silence, sarcasm, or discomfort. Others learned that they could be accepted only if they agreed to rules they didn’t make. Still others were left to make sense of rejection, betrayal, or inconsistency, and found safety in withdrawal or perfectionism.

What we absorb isn’t our fault. But it becomes our soil—until we change it.

What You’ve Produced

These inner patterns shape your outer life. You may notice chronic loneliness, burnout, people-pleasing, emotional flatness, or a deep sense of mistrust. This is not failure. It’s simply the result of what’s been growing. The question is: Do you want to keep growing it?

These are the weeds and seeds already in your garden. You don’t need to name them all. But when you start to see them—clearly, gently, and without judgment—you create space for something new to grow.

You don’t need a fancy system. Just a few quiet minutes, now and then, to check the terrain. You might notice:

  • The Top Layer – What’s rising up today?
  • What You Repeat – What thought keeps circling?
  • What You Believe – What belief might be underneath?
  • What You Feel – What emotions are showing up?
  • What You Absorb (or did, previously) – Where might this have come from?
  • What You Produce – How is this shaping your day? Your life?

Then take a moment to name the opposites—just enough to offer yourself a different path:

  • A new thought you’d like to grow
  • A belief that supports healing or possibility
  • An emotion you’d love to feel instead

And finally, choose a tool. This part matters.
Pick one small way to nourish something new:

  • Will you Leap and try acting from the new belief?
  • Will you GO and generate the opposite of what keeps circling?
  • Will you Imagine something gentler? Bigger?
  • Will you return HOme (to a Higher Order of wisdom) and ask for help?

You don’t have to fix it all today. Just noticing is enough to shift the soil.

I’d love to hear what this brought up for you.
Would you be willing to name one or two auto-thoughts, beliefs, or emotions you noticed as you read? You can share them using the message button below.

 

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Categories
Course Episodes Practices

What You Can Grow

What You Can Grow

Nurturing new patterns with small, steady care

You’ve started noticing what’s already growing in your inner garden—the thoughts that keep circling, the beliefs that tighten around your choices, the emotions that come and go like weather. You’re seeing the terrain. That alone is a powerful shift.

Now it’s time to tend it.

You don’t need to overhaul everything or force a sudden transformation. In fact, the most lasting change usually starts with small, honest movements: planting a different thought. Trusting a new feeling. Letting one old belief soften around the edges. This isn’t about self-improvement. It’s about self-relationship.

Amend the soil

You begin by changing the conditions around your thoughts. You imagine the possibility that your inner world can support something gentler, more nourishing. When a belief shows up that once kept you safe but now keeps you small, you meet it with curiosity. You ask: What else might be true? What would I love to grow here instead?

These aren’t questions for your best days. They’re for the moments when it all feels a little hard. When your first instinct is to withdraw, apologize, or disappear. That’s when the soil is most ready for something new.

Choose a tool that matches the season

You don’t have to use every method, every time. This is a garden, not a lab.

Sometimes you Leap: you act as if a new belief is already true. You walk a little taller. You reach out, even when you feel unsure. You play the role of someone who trusts herself—just enough to see what happens.

Sometimes you go HOme: you pause, breathe, and ask for a little help from something bigger. You listen inwardly for direction, like a root listening for water.

Sometimes you Imagine: not as fantasy, but as rehearsal. You picture yourself responding differently. You feel the new pattern as if it’s already part of you.

Sometimes you GO (Generate the Opposite): you catch yourself in a painful loop and plant a counter-thought. Not to argue, but to balance, or even just to see how it feels. To give yourself another path forward.

Each tool is a way of softening the soil around something that wants to grow. Each one—and others—will be explored more deeply in future posts, so you can find what works for you.

Follow signs of life

You don’t need proof before you plant. You need practice.

You might notice that when you affirm your safety, your breathing slows. When you remember your strength, you feel a little taller. When you name your truth, your voice steadies. These are signs that something inside you is shifting—not because you’re forcing it, but because you’re creating the right conditions.

Tend without pressure

There will be dry days. There will be weeds again. That’s part of the rhythm.

This isn’t about perfection. It’s about contact. Each time you check in, each time you choose a gentler belief, each time you trust your own rhythm—you strengthen your root system.

You don’t have to get it right. You just have to return.

And over time, you’ll notice something beautiful: the garden starts to feel more like home.

To support this, you can return to the daily noticing practice outlined in What You Notice —a way of naming what’s present without judgment, and opening the door to something new.

Then take a moment to name the opposites—just enough to offer yourself a different path:

  • A new thought you’d like to grow
  • A belief that supports healing or possibility
  • An emotion you’d love to feel instead

And finally, choose a tool. This part matters.
Pick one small way to nourish something new:

  • Will you Leap and try acting from the new belief?
  • Will you GO and generate the opposite?
  • Will you Imagine something gentler?
  • Will you return HOme and ask for help?

This is how you change what isn’t working. It’s like giving water to a dried-out plant. It doesn’t have to be dramatic—just intentional.

Put it on your calendar if you like. Return later. Play with it. You’re not trying to fix yourself—you’re learning to care for your garden.

Categories
Family Markers

Family: Where the Stories Begin

Family—whether it’s the one we’re born into, the workplace “family” we join, or the media we unconsciously absorb—plants the thoughts, beliefs, and emotions that shape the course of our lives.

In the Elements framework, Family is a marker, one of the core influences shaping our inner narrative. And it’s a big one.

We tend to think of family narrowly: parents, siblings, and maybe a quirky uncle. But in truth, family is any group that gives us structure, belonging, and a sense of identity—or at least tries to. School families, church families, work families, recovery families, even TV families. Wherever there’s a powerful bond or strong shaping influence, that’s a kind of family.

These families transmit BABEs—Blooming Auto-thoughts, Beliefs, and Emotions—whether we’re aware of it or not. Sometimes this transfer is conscious and clear. Other times, it’s buried. Either way, what’s passed along can create the very Consequences (the outer experiences) we later find ourselves needing to heal or rewrite.

As a marriage and family therapist, I’ve learned to look at people in context. No one exists in isolation. We are shaped by the people around us—and in many cases, by the need to fit in, be loved, or avoid conflict. Family systems are deeply complex, often too knotted to untangle without a bit of outside perspective. And while they can offer safety, they can also ask us to contort ourselves in order to stay included.

We start off whole—just like Leo and Orion, my goats, before they learned to love their new home. But as we grow, many of us try to become what our families want. When being fully ourselves isn’t safe, we shape-shift. We conform. We take on a slant—a point of view—that prioritizes someone else’s comfort over our own truth.

Eventually, that slant becomes the lens through which we see the world.

It’s how home becomes a prison.

Turning Point: Reframing the Stories

And yet… this isn’t the end of the story.

If slant can form unconsciously, it can also be reframed with awareness. We can use the Elements—Tools like Dig, Go, HOme, JI, and Imagine—to uncover the old family messages, soften them with compassion, and begin to rewrite what we’ve internalized.

Even if you come from a loving family (and many of us do, in some ways), the messages passed down may still be mismatched to your unique self. Even the most well-intended parent can pass along fear, control, or outdated beliefs. Most do. Most of us do, too.

My own experience? I learned early that love had to be earned—and that to earn it, I’d need to work very, very hard. That pattern extended far beyond my family of origin. It followed me into almost every environment that felt like “family”—school, work, even friendships.

Those environments shaped my BABEs. And until I recognized the slant they created, I stayed inside their walls, wondering where the real me had gone.

So here’s the invitation:

Start noticing your own inherited stories.
Who planted them?
Do they still serve you?
Were they ever really yours?

Family is where the stories begin. But they don’t have to end there.

Categories
Course Episodes Discourse Markers

Discourse: The Stories We Absorb (Before We Even Know We’re Listening)

We Breathe It In Before We Know It


We don’t always realize we’ve taken in a belief until it starts living our life for us.

Discourse—those shared societal and cultural narratives—functions like a megaphone for the dominant voice in the room.

It broadcasts what’s acceptable, what’s valuable, what’s normal. And often, we absorb that voice before we’ve even formed our own.

Some of it is explicit: “Success looks like this.”


Some of it is subtle: a glance, a commercial, a child-sized sigh at a parent’s approval.


The Angle That Becomes the Story


We start with a natural, full-bodied sense of self.

Sidebar: Nature Nudges is a series of reflections I write about lessons from the natural world. Animals, like goats, often provide a mirror for human development. They begin life with an innate sense of presence and ease—completely at home in their bodies and environment. One story, about two goats named Leo and Orion, explores how internal safety can turn a perceived prison into a home. Read more in Nature Nudges → But slowly—sometimes imperceptibly—we contort to fit the stories around us.

Stories about how to be likable. How to belong. How to stay safe.

This is the perspective we don’t choose. Not at first.

We internalize the perspective of the group—family, school, workplace, media—until it becomes our own. Until we live by rules we never wrote. Until this angle of interpretation takes over and we wake up one day not quite sure where we went.


How Discourse Reinforces Itself


Discourse can feel like home. But it can also become a prison.

And here’s the twist: we keep reinforcing it—through the things we tell ourselves, the things we leave out, and the unedited reruns we let loop in our heads.

“I’m too much.” “I don’t belong.” “I have to earn love.”

These quick internal responses—what I call our ABCs: Auto-thoughts, Beliefs, and the emotional Consequences they create—are often hand-me-downs from a larger system.

Ones we didn’t know we could question.


The Invitation to Reframe


But we can.

When we name the discourse, we begin to shift the perspective. We begin to reframe the narrative. We begin to write new stories—ones where even the hardest moments become part of a sacred reorientation. Where depression, cancer, or crisis are not curses, but cosmic course corrections. Where escape is no longer the goal—because we’ve made our internal space safe again.
Our angle of interpretation, in the end, forms our personality. It determines what we see as possible. Most people don’t realize that point of view can be chosen—that it is, in fact, one of the most powerful tools we have. And that means we can choose one that brings more truth, more beauty, more kindness, and more agency into our lives.


Working with the Tools


That’s what this work is for.

The Elements—Tools like GO, HOme, Imagine, JI—help us recognize the borrowed angles and choose new ones. Not by erasing our past, but by integrating it. Consciously. Creatively. Courageously.

Because the truth is: life doesn’t just happen and then become a story.
More often, we live the story we’ve already started telling.

Let’s make it one that fits.

Categories
Beliefs Course Episodes Markers

Beliefs

9 Essential Things to Know About Spotting Negative Beliefs

Hello again!

Last time, we talked about Auto Thoughts—those quick, reflexive thoughts that zip through your mind and subtly shape your experience. We looked at how noticing them is a powerful step toward creating a healthy inner ecosystem.

Today, we’re zooming out a little to look at the next Marker: Beliefs. These are deeper, more structural. If Auto Thoughts are the bricks of your inner world, Beliefs are the framing—the invisible structure that holds your story in place.

Let’s walk through nine essential things to know about spotting negative Beliefs.

1. Beliefs shape your worldview

According to Merriam-Webster, a belief is “something that is accepted, considered to be true, or held as an opinion.” Beliefs help you make sense of your experience and interact with the world around you. Some you’ll recognize right away. Others? They’re so ingrained, you may not even realize they’re there.

Try asking: What are the most important beliefs playing into my life story?

2. Beliefs are planted

We aren’t born with beliefs—they’re shaped by our upbringing, environment, and culture.

For example, I was raised in the Midwest, where “hard work” is a deeply held value. That belief drives how I spend my time, how I gauge my worth, and how I imagine others see me. You may have similar beliefs about work, relationships, or self-worth that were planted early—and now operate almost automatically.

Try asking: Which of my beliefs were planted by a source I might no longer want to emulate?

3. Beliefs can foster belonging

Beliefs can offer comfort and connection. Think of the relief you feel when you’re around someone who “just gets” you—it’s often because you share similar beliefs.

When I adopted two baby goats, Leo and Orion, they saw me as a kidnapper at first. But after regular feedings of warm goat’s milk, their worldview shifted. Eventually, they stuck to me like glue. It reminded me: beliefs can change surprisingly fast when there’s trust, nourishment, and a new story.

Try asking: What beliefs helped me fit into my family, my workplace, or my spiritual community? And which have I outgrown?

4. Beliefs impact your inner terrain

Just like sunlight nourishes plants—but can also burn them—some beliefs nurture growth, while others quietly damage our inner terrain. Especially those that hide behind social norms or family loyalty.

Try asking: What’s the condition of my inner terrain? Can I name three beliefs that are shaping it?

5. Some beliefs are deeply tied to survival

We may cling to certain beliefs because they’ve kept us safe—socially, emotionally, or even physically. This is especially true for negative beliefs we formed in childhood or under pressure.

Here are some I’ve heard (and held):

  • I’m unlovable
  • It’s safer to be silent
  • I take up too much space
  • I’m the “dumb one”

They may sound harsh. But if we accepted them early and never examined them, they can run the show.

Try asking: Which of my beliefs feel fused to my identity—or my survival?

6. Beliefs vs. Auto Thoughts: Know the difference

Auto Thoughts are usually fleeting and repetitive, like “I’m a mess” or “This is never going to work.” Beliefs are more foundational and persistent. You might not say them aloud, but they form the basis of those thoughts.

For example, the thought “I look terrible” might be supported by beliefs like:

  • I’m unattractive
  • Being attractive is unsafe
  • Looking good takes energy I don’t have

Seeing this difference helps you work at the right level—not just patching a thought, but addressing the structure underneath.

7. Beliefs can be hard to spot

Two clues to help you find them:

  • Observability: Auto Thoughts are easier to notice because they repeat. Beliefs often fade into the background.
  • Perceived validity: Beliefs feel more true—even when they’re not. That sense of truth makes them harder to challenge.

Spotting a belief requires slowing down and asking: Do I really believe this? And where did it come from?

8. Beliefs often prevent change

Let’s say you want to shift from “I look terrible” to “I look great.” If that leap feels impossible, a hidden belief is probably anchoring the old thought in place.

Wanting to change the thought won’t work unless you bring the belief into the light and question it.

Try asking: Where do I feel stuck? What belief might be holding that stuck place in place?

9. Auto Thoughts can create Beliefs

The relationship works both ways. When a thought is repeated often enough, especially during emotional moments, it can harden into a belief.

“I’m not enough,” thought over and over again, becomes a lens through which you see the world. And once it settles in, you stop questioning it.

Try asking: Are there thoughts I repeat so often they’ve started to feel like truth?

Can beliefs be changed? Absolutely.

The beautiful thing about beliefs is that they aren’t fixed. Even long-held, deeply rooted beliefs can shift when we bring them into awareness and experiment with new perspectives. That’s part of what this series is about—learning how to gently uncover, examine, and ultimately rewire the beliefs that no longer serve us. In upcoming episodes, we’ll explore specific tools to help you do just that.

Thanks for reading. I’d love to hear from you. What beliefs have shaped your life—or which are you ready to retire?

Until next time,
Judith

Auto-Thoughts

Quick, automatic thoughts that pop up in daily life—often shaped by old beliefs and past experiences.