Family—whether it’s the one we’re born into, the workplace “family” we join, or the media we unconsciously absorb—plants the thoughts, beliefs, and emotions that shape the course of our lives.
In the Elements framework, Family is a marker, one of the core influences shaping our inner narrative. And it’s a big one.
We tend to think of family narrowly: parents, siblings, and maybe a quirky uncle. But in truth, family is any group that gives us structure, belonging, and a sense of identity—or at least tries to. School families, church families, work families, recovery families, even TV families. Wherever there’s a powerful bond or strong shaping influence, that’s a kind of family.
These families transmit BABEs—Blooming Auto-thoughts, Beliefs, and Emotions—whether we’re aware of it or not. Sometimes this transfer is conscious and clear. Other times, it’s buried. Either way, what’s passed along can create the very Consequences (the outer experiences) we later find ourselves needing to heal or rewrite.
As a marriage and family therapist, I’ve learned to look at people in context. No one exists in isolation. We are shaped by the people around us—and in many cases, by the need to fit in, be loved, or avoid conflict. Family systems are deeply complex, often too knotted to untangle without a bit of outside perspective. And while they can offer safety, they can also ask us to contort ourselves in order to stay included.
We start off whole—just like Leo and Orion, my goats, before they learned to love their new home. But as we grow, many of us try to become what our families want. When being fully ourselves isn’t safe, we shape-shift. We conform. We take on a slant—a point of view—that prioritizes someone else’s comfort over our own truth.
Eventually, that slant becomes the lens through which we see the world.
It’s how home becomes a prison.
Turning Point: Reframing the Stories
And yet… this isn’t the end of the story.
If slant can form unconsciously, it can also be reframed with awareness. We can use the Elements—Tools like Dig, Go, HOme, JI, and Imagine—to uncover the old family messages, soften them with compassion, and begin to rewrite what we’ve internalized.
Even if you come from a loving family (and many of us do, in some ways), the messages passed down may still be mismatched to your unique self. Even the most well-intended parent can pass along fear, control, or outdated beliefs. Most do. Most of us do, too.
My own experience? I learned early that love had to be earned—and that to earn it, I’d need to work very, very hard. That pattern extended far beyond my family of origin. It followed me into almost every environment that felt like “family”—school, work, even friendships.
Those environments shaped my BABEs. And until I recognized the slant they created, I stayed inside their walls, wondering where the real me had gone.
So here’s the invitation:
Start noticing your own inherited stories.
Who planted them?
Do they still serve you?
Were they ever really yours?
Family is where the stories begin. But they don’t have to end there.